UK: State pupils to be taught Islamic traditions and values

in mandatory 'Citizenship classes'.

State school pupils are set to be taught Islamic traditions and values in compulsory citizenship lessons. The move - part of a package of initiatives announced by Communities Secretary Hazel Blears yesterday - is designed to curb extremism.

Dinah Lord has managed to get her hands on a syllabus of courses to be included in the program. So let's review some of the Islamic 'traditions and values' to be covered:

Beheading 101 - students will explore that age old Islamic tradition of lopping the head off of non-believers. Topics to be included: "Why use a knife when a sword will do?" and "How to keep your edge in the world of infidels" also "Cleaning up: What will handle those nasty blood and brain stains on mom's carpet."

How to beat your future wives - without really trying - Students will learn the ins and outs of beating their many future wives in a rotation schedule to ensure complete and total obedience to their Muslim husband.

Child rape and temporary marriages - Students will study the history of child rape and the importance of asking themselves "What would Mohammed do?" when babysitting their young relatives. Also taught in this class will be Muta, the concept of temporary marriage that will enable students to 'do what Mohammed did" and still avoid prosecution.

Honor killings for kids - Sick and tired of your sister hogging the loo in the mornings? Bothered by her gabbing on her mobile all hours of the night and day? Feeling grumpy about her bloody girlfriends calling you names? Take matters into your own hands and strangle her! It's all about honor in the course "So your sister is a slut, now what?" Students will learn how to assert their manhood and earn the respect and admiration of their male relatives. Not only will you earn their respect, you will be able to get off with a slap on the hands if your follow the easy steps outlined in class. Go for it, dude!

Female Genital Mutilation for fun and profit - Guaranteed to be a moneymaker for you, this in-depth course takes a look at the smart way to run a "chop shop for chicks " and make a bundle while doing so. Instructions on how to market your 'product' to squeamish Westerners will be included in this class and your instructor is guaranteed to be a cut-up.

Pilot schemes will begin in October in London, Leicester, Birmingham, Oldham, Rochdale, and Bradford.

I wish this WAS all a joke, possums. Unfortunately, it's not.